Satire-Forum » A Christian expresses his ignorance

... about contemporary Witches.

Ich habe dieses Prachtstück auf Skeptic Tank gefunden und wollte es Euch nicht vorenthalten.
Der Hintergrund für das folgende Gespräch war ein christlicher Fundi, der (anscheinend) mehr über Heiden im Allgemeinen wissen oder einfach nur bekehren wollte. Jedenfalls hat er auf ´nem BBS sein Fragenpaket als PM gepostet und der Admin hat sich freundlicherweise dazu herabgelassen ihm öffentlich zu antworten, nett oder? Eher nicht
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Mon 24 Nov 97 17:42

Mike Melia:
What is a pagan?

Richard Smith:
A pagan is how the Romans referred to the early Xtians, i.e., pagani, which literally means country dweller (sort of a Roman way of saying "Hick.")

I.e., you're a pagan.

I, on the other hand, am a Heathen.

Mike Melia:
Do you worship goats?

Richard Smith:
No, why, do you like to suck them off?

Mike Melia:
Do you believe in magic?

Richard Smith:
I am a very big fan of David Copperfield, however, I don't care much for Penn & Teller. It's a matter of taste.

Mike Melia:
How many gods do you have?

Richard Smith:
*checking pockets*

None at the moment. Why, are there some missing?

Mike Melia:
Do you believe that the earth has magical properties?

Richard Smith:
Nope. I believe it is a planet.

Mike Melia:
Do you believe you can conjure up spirits?

Richard Smith:
Nope. But I CAN turn wine into water. Oddly enough, I can do likewise with beer, whiskey, cider, etc.

Mike Melia:
Do you have a crystal ball?

Richard Smith:
You're acting so butch, Mikey. Both of my `nads' are of the standard material. I understand that this might be a curiousity to you, being essentially ball-less yourself . . .

Mike Melia:
Do you believe in palm reading?

Richard Smith:
Do I believe it happens, or do I believe it does what it claims?

Mike Melia:
Do you believe in tarot cards?

Richard Smith:
I have seen tarot cards. I believe I have even taken a photo of tarot cards. Sightings of tarot cards are not as uncommon as they once used to be. I don't believe tarot cards come from other planets, though.

Mike Melia:
Do you have a magic wand?

Richard Smith:
You simply can't stop being homoerotic, can you, Mike?

Just one, but it's connected to me, and NO, I won't let you play with it.

Mike Melia:
Like fairies?

Richard Smith:
(Were you being homoerotic again, Mikey? If so, the answer is no. I happen to be straight. I could never be both gay and hard up enough to find YOU attractive.)

I don't know any fairies personally. However, I DO like movies about fairies. I liked Willow a lot, for instance.

Mike Melia:
(Do ya Tinkerbell?)

Richard Smith:
Depends. Is she near death? I much prefer Capt. Hook, myself . . .

Mike Melia:
What do you hold sacred?

Richard Smith:
Living things, except for perhaps yourself.

Mike Melia:
What is the pagan theory of origins?

Richard Smith:
I didn't know there was one. You should probably consult Laurie about this, as specious reasoning is not my thing at all.

Mike Melia:
Do you wear a pentagram?

Richard Smith:
Nope. Nor do I wear a candygram. Your point?

Mike Melia:
Do you fly on a broom?

Richard Smith:
Some say that to fly on a broom would require one to be as light as a thistledown. Yet that plainly could never be, it is just foolishness.

I do use them to sweep (you know what sweeping is . . . it's the job your intellect has you best geared for). And you should look up the word `besom' sometime.

Mike Melia:
Do you protect yourself with a magic circle before raising the "cone of power?"

Richard Smith:
I usually cast a Circle of Protection White (and the four other colors in the Magick The Gathering Deck, if I have them . . . they only require two mana to cast, but you have to be playing white) before I bring out Bog Rats (a 1/1 black creature that can't be blocked by walls -- I hate walls) and put Holy Armor (only one mana, but their points go up +0/+2) and Holy Strength (which does roughly the same) before sending them up against a Hulking Cyclops (which is a 5/5 red creature, but it can't intercept the Bog Rats, so they're safe). I usually do pretty good. Your point?

Mike Melia:
Do you feel like you're a freaking idiot?

Richard Smith:
No, but I DO feel like you're a fucking retard.

Mike Melia:
Tell us.

Richard Smith:
Is it true that you're your own uncle, Mikey?

Mike Melia:
Do you have any evidence for your pagan beliefs?

Richard Smith:
Sure. I've said I have pagan beliefs. That is the evidence for the existence of my pagan beliefs.

Perhaps that wasn't quite what you were looking to get, though?

Mike Melia:
You are a hypocrite.

Richard Smith:
hypocrite n One who affects virtues or qualities he does not have -- Websters

What virtues or qualities have I affected that I don't have?

Mike Melia:
How can you condemn Christians for believing in a God that science can't evidence,

Richard Smith:
Who said I condemned Xtians for their beliefs? Certainly not me.

BTW, got any evidence to support the validity of your beliefs? No? Then they remain nothing more than beliefs.

BTW, that's as far as I get into condemning Xtians. Most of my pique (look it up, if you can) is reserved for fundies and morons, such as yourself.

Mike Melia:
when your own beliefs fall into that category as well.

Richard Smith:
What beliefs, pray tell, do I hold?

Now, either you can answer this, or you can't. If you don't know what my beliefs are (and I am doing you a great service by pointing out that there are HUNDREDS of Pagan beliefs out there), then you don't know what they constitute, and you yourself clearly do NOT know what you're talking about.

No surprize there.

Mike Melia:
Do you own an atheme?

Richard Smith:
Atheme? What the fuck is an atheme?



Atheme is not in Websters. Before where it should have been is the word Atheling (a Anglo Saxon prince or nobleman) and after where it should be is the word Athena (the Greek Goddess of wisdom) . . . I assure you I have neither an Anglo Saxon nobleman nor a Greek Goddess in my pocket, nor any `atheme' either.

Besides, not to belabor the point, what my personal possessions are are strictly none of your business. I say this because when this thread ends (at the end of this post, regardless of your response) you will be tempted to ask me if I have all sorts of things. Tell you what, get your Jesus to tell you what I have and to describe it in detail. If he's right, there may be something to what you say after all. If not, you're just a fucking idiot.

Mike Melia:
How about a sword?

Richard Smith:
*mentally counting*

I have roughly eleven swords, all the way from a qama on up to a hand and a half sword. I have many knives as well. Your point? Oh, wait, you were being homoerotic again, weren't you?

Mike Melia:
Do you anoint yourself with magic oils?

Richard Smith:
ROFLMGDAO! I have some Wesson in the cupboard, but while I like it, I hardly think it remarkable, let alone magical. And I NEVER rub oils on myself . . . it's not good for the skin and a real bitch to get off. Obviously, I'm not much on tanning.

Mike Melia:
(Maybe you better put some on right now.)

Richard Smith:
Ah, I see . . . you were just asking for a lube. Perhaps someone else will honor your request and buttfuck you, Mikey, but not me. I'm strictly hetero.

Besides, I can't get past the feeling that fucking you would be mating outside of my species.

Mike Melia:
Do you practice candle magic?

Richard Smith:
No, mostly I use playing cards and coins, though I do like to do the occassional thimble trick, and have been known to do some mentalism. But most prestidigitators like that sort of thing. I tend to favor close-up rather than stage, and I happen to admire Doug Henning more than David Coppperfield when it comes to close-up work.

Mike Melia:
Are you going to hex me?

Richard Smith:
Why, are you a metric nut? I thought you just a regular nut.

Mike Melia:
Have you hugged a tree today?

Richard Smith:
Nope. Should I? Or were you being homoerotic again?

Mike Melia:
Have you hugged another man today?

Richard Smith:
Yep. A good friend of mine. I also hug my sons, any relatives of mine, and people I feel particularily close to. I don't happen to see anything wrong with showing affection for people you love and like. You I would be more inclined to trip down a flight of stairs.

Mike Melia:
Are you preparing for yule?

Richard Smith:
No, I'm answering your post. I do have most of my Xmas presents bought, though, so Father Xmas is nearly done.

Mike Melia:
How can you scoff at Xtian beliefs when yours are so much easier to disbelieve?

Richard Smith:
Like this: scoff, scoff scoff! *sniff*

Which beliefs would those be, Mikey? You know, the ones you think I have that you find so much easier to scoff at? I'm curious to find out what you think I believe.

Mike Melia:
At least ours is reasonable, and as cosmology points out, very possible.

Richard Smith:
Sorry, I still don't know what you suspect that I believe. And without knowing what I believe in that regard, you can't say that it is more or less valid than yours, unless you have no sap rising in your mental tree.

But if it makes you feel better to believe that you're better than me, go right ahead. It doesn't mean you are, and I like to humor the handicapped.

Sorry that your trolling of my board turned up so little for you to use against me. It was a pathetic attempt, if not laughable. Thanx for reaffirming for me that I made the correct choice in bouncing your ass away from my community.

I doubt I'll see any reason to speak to you of this again, cretin.

Jesus mit seinen Jüngern sieht einen Sterbenden am Straßenrand liegen. "Rette ihn" bittet Petrus. Jesus schaut ihm tief in die Augen, legt ihm die Hand auf und sagt: "Steh auf und geh!" Der Sterbende steht auf und geht. Nach drei Wochen sind sie wieder in der Gegend und erkundigen sich nach dem Kranken. Sie zeigen ihm seine Leiche. Jesus beugt sich über ihn, schüttelt den Kopf und sagt: "Dann war es also doch Krebs!"